It will change your life

A friend of mine is thinking of having a baby. Basically her biological clock is ticking… she is now being forced to consider the prospect of motherhood. She asks me “Do you think I should have a baby?” “It will change your life,” I say carefully, keeping a neutral tone.
“I know, I know, no more sleeping in on Saturdays or talking spontaneous vacations.”
But that is not what I mean at all. I look at her trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in child birth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking, “ What if that had been my child?” That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look carefully at her manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of “MOM!” will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment’s hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby’s sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is alright.
I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a 5 year old boy’s desire to go into the men’s room rather then the women’s at McDonald’s will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester will be lurking in the restroom/ However decisive she may be in her own life, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, bust she will also begin to hope for more years – not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My friends relationship with her husband will change but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitated to play with his children. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my friend could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children’s future.
I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the 1st time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts.
My friends quizzical look make me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. “You’ll never regret it,” I say finally. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend’s hand, and offer a prayer for her and me and all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings.

Dale Henson Bourke

Obviously I did not write this but it is one of my all time favorite storys I read before I had children and continue to read it on days I need a pick me up with the kids. I think it is one of the most true storys.