Just a day for me to remember

So I have been mulling over the idea of posting this on my blog.... It was not a happy time in my life but I realize that all monumental events are not always happy.... that doesn't mean we don't want to remember them. I am mainly posting this for me to remember (not that I could forget) but as time goes on the sadness will fade and the exact date may be hard to remember.

On August 3rd. I took a home pregnancy test and it came out positive... I could not believe it. I was shocked and actually felt like I may throw up! I have 2 beautiful, healthy boys and was not sure how I felt about having a 3rd. Of course that moment only lasted a few minutes and I became very excited! I called my Dr. the next day to make an appt and they told me I was about 6-7 weeks along. I was thrilled! That afternoon I started bleeding... I knew from having 2 normal healthy pregnancies something was very wrong. I called my Dr. and he said to come in and have a blood test done. I got the results back with some very devastating news.... I was having a miscarriage. I could not believe it... I thought that happened to other people... Not me. Unfortunately because I had already had 2 healthy pregnancies I had told everyone... that was horrible to have to tell them I was miscarriging.

I was only 6-7 weeks along but I felt such a tremendous loss.... so alone! I think that when a woman becomes pregnant she feels an immediate bond where the man feels it later on in the pregnancy. I felt like Josh had no idea what I was going through or even cared... I know it is not true but that is how I felt. I had a horrible week of physical and emotional issues relating to the miscarriage... and I am still saddened by it. I think that once you go to those places in your head... holding the baby, naming the baby and so on you feel as if they have been ripped away from you. I certainly felt that way.

I know that everything happens for a reason... that God has a plan for everything and I truly believe it. That is what gets me through things like this. I know in my heart it wasn't meant to be... for some reason that baby was not meant to come to Josh and I.